That is the question... It serves me well at times, but most, I believe it robs me of a whole picture, a whole self to me and obviously my friends and family. Even to those who may read this and not know me. I've compartmentalized this blog purposefully. To tell a story of my life through my scrapbooking. Sometimes, I feel I am cheating myself from the real me by doing so. Too many of us want to paint this lovely, picture-perfect world in which we want others to 'think' we have. To keep up with the Joneses as they say. I struggle with this, because not only am I not always being true to myself by doing so, but also telling a lie. To have virtues is to embody them in all aspects of your life, not at your choosing. So today, I am adding another part of me to this blog to make it more complete, to add more depth than just my scrapbooking. (Please don't mis-read this as if I take my scrapping lightly. It is my creative outlet, and my passion. These are not small feats.) I have worked for years not having the time to work on my passion (scrapping) because the bills had to get paid, I had a lovely boss who depended on me and I didn't ever want to let him down, I had a daughter whom I spent much of my time at soccer practice, games, tournaments both in and out of state. These were sacrifices I wanted to make. I've put my needs behind my daughter's and even my boss' for years. I wanted a better life for my daughter and for me if it worked out that way. Five years of working at a great company was draining because of the level of commitment I gave. Not what they required. I went above and beyond staying available 24/7 for my boss who traveled the world and needed a lifeline back to the office. His work ethic puts mine to shame in comparison. His sacrifices are all for his children...the way it should be. I admire him. He was and is my mentor. Those five years wore on my body physically. I lied to get the job in the first place - I hadn't told them that I was almost 30% permanently disabled from a back injury from a previous job. This world is still filled with discrimination, and I didn't want to be part of it. Not at the age of 28. When I began, my lower back gave me hell every day. I needed the health benefits so I could see good doctors, but nothing made it better other than medication. When I left earlier this year, I walked away with a new name for another pain I had acquired along the way. Fibromyalgia. I was in pain 24 hours a day. It took every ounce of energy I had to go to work everyday. To work ten hours straight without breaks took a toll on my body. Many days I would simply fall asleep on the couch after coming home, leaving my teenager to fend for herself for dinner. I failed her. That still eats away at me today - how I wasn't there for her like I could have been. But, I made good money, enough to buy a home in a good area, near good schools - in California before the home values plummeted. We had a dog, a cat, a loving family, but I still felt that I failed. At the end of the day, you should be happy with your accomplishments in life, and I am. But it always comes at a cost. I stopped working in April because my body had simply given out on me. I think it had a year prior, but I had no other option other than to continue to do what I was doing. I really didn't want to leave my job because I knew I would miss working with my boss and my coworkers. They were all so wonderful to me. But, when John came into my life, I not only fell head over heels in love with him, he wanted me to live with him. That meant leaving the world as I knew it behind, move to Northern California and stop working. For the first time in 15 years, I've had a true break from working, and I'm able to focus my attention on my physical health. I realize now I wasn't dealing with my Fibromyalgia during those last five years, I was taking enough pain medicine to get me through the day. I told my doctors, "I have to work. I don't have time for physical therapy, etc. Get me through the day." As my pain increased, so did the pills. I'm not proud of having to take heavy medication nor do I like it. I am truly still a skeleton of who I used to be. My search for finding the right kind of comprehensive treatment for Fibromyalgia was forever a challenge. You have to have a pain management doctor, a psychiatrist, a therapist, a physical therapist, an acupuncturist, a chiropractor etc. None of these were ever communicating together, all offering a small piece of the puzzle that never amounted to much relief. I finally found the right place and it's only because I'm here in the Bay Area. Stanford. Stanford Medical Center is a teaching hospital that has a dedicated Pain Management Clinic and HAPPILY treats Fibromyalgia patients. They run studies on Fibromyalgia medications, forging the way for a better treatment than what is currently available. I've included the link Stanford Pain Clinic because if you do suffer from Fibro, please check out their program. I couldn't imagine there is a better program out there. I'm slowly weaning myself off of the pain medicine. It's a daily struggle, one that cannot be understood unless they have a type of chronic pain condition (which there are many). The one in my life who truly understands me, is John and without him, I could not be doing what I'm doing today. The layout below is a testament to my love for him. For his patience, his caring and understanding unlike anyone I've ever known. I take things day-by-day now. There are more bad days than good, but it's slowly changing. I have so much hope to overcome the pain that had ruled my life for so many years. If you have chronic pain, know that you are not alone...
Layout: Lorie M. Designs – Sketch Template Freebie Papers: Maurine Stettler @ LetMeScrapbookDesigns.blogspot.com - Of Noble Birthright Blog Train Paper 5; Lorie M. Designs – Patterned Overlay Freebie 3 CU; Misty Cato Designs from the kit: Adoration- bg6; bg3; bg4;bg1 Embellishments: Misty Cato Designs from the kit: Adoration -journalspot; wireswirl; heart; My Own Fairy Tale by Muriel - ribbon-wrap2a & metal decor; Carol Abram – Kit: Old and Treasured Shutterfly Exclusive – Tape2; Tape 4
Title: My Sunshine, CB Classic, 36pt. Internet Subtitle: You Make Everything Worthwhile – CK True Type, 14pt. – Creating Keepsakes Journaling: CK True Type, 12pt. – Creating Keepsakes
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